I'd Rather Get Beat Up In An Alley

As bad as I thought the Revis situation would get, I never dreamed it would really snowball into Darrelle sitting out the whole season.  We’re not quite there yet, but after American Football’s top corner sat out Tuesday’s practice he took a giant step in that direction.  By doing so Revis lost a year of free agency which is not a good sign for my Super Bowl hopes.  It gives his threats credibility and shows his determination.  Now what?

We start discussing trade possibilities – that’s what.  If Darrelle doesn’t want to play here for $12 million a year than maybe we can ship him off to some 3-13 team and get us some Herschal Walker-esque love if you know what I mean (wink wink).  Trust me, I know this is probably just a way of coping with agony and I don’t care.

Let’s take a look at some prospects shall we?

We’ll start in the NFC… try our best not to have to face the Island on a regular basis.  The bottom of the barrel sounds promising.

O’ Detroit, your Lions are more like possums.  There’s not much on this team that I could see being worth our stud corner.  Maybe their draft pick next year?  Okay, it’s the Lions-  I’d definitely take their #1 next season.

What about Washington?  The Redskins are always up for a trade.  Revis for Haynesworth straight up!  I’ll take it as long as we don’t have to repay any of that $20 million Albert stuffed in his pocket while he was holding out a few weeks back.

Would the Vikings give up Adrian Peterson?  No way in hell.  Maybe one of their receivers… we don’t need any.  Well then, what do we need?  A safety would be nice.

Would KC give up their rookie safety?  Eric Berry should be playing for Rex anyway.   Another defensive lineman might be a good fit.  A tight end?  Keller’s still the man.

I’ve got it!  Let’s trade him to the Seahawks for their #1 pick next season and their #2 running back.  I hear he’d be a fan favorite up here in New York.   That would be awesome!  Revis holds out because he sees the way the Jets treated Leon Washington only to be the focal point of a trade bringing everyone’s favorite gummy bear home.  Leon’s under a 1 year contract for less than $2 million… I’m just sayin’.

There’s always room for a stud running back right?  I’m sure the Ravens would love to have Revis in a purple uni.  Would they give up Ray Rice though?  Probably.  Let’s do it (although this is in our conference).

More than anything I want Darelle practicing with the rest of the NFL’s #1 defense.  I’m not surprised that Hard Knocks painted the picture with a team-sided slant.  We’ve got to remember that for the most part we’re only getting what the team is putting out there.  They want Revis to look like the bad guy and they’re doing a good job of it.  Who knows what was said at the diner?  Cameras weren’t allowed – we only saw Tanny driving to the meeting and driving away from the meeting.  I wouldn’t put anything past Revis, his agent or our GM.  When you get to this level, the big guns are always on the table.

Tannenbaum:  Hi Darrelle

Revis:  Hello Mike

Tannenbaum:  When you coming to camp again?

Revis:  Next Thursday remember?  I’m going to the Bahamas this weekend.

Tannenbaum:  That’s right.  It’s in your new contract.  You’ve got to work on your tan for the cameras.  What do you think -  tuna salad or cheeseburger deluxe?

Revis:  The cheeseburger but substitute onion rings.  They’re beer battered.  You getting a shake?

Tannenbaum:  I will if you will!!!

Training camp is under way and I’m sure y’all have heard Darrelle Revis is still holding out.  Only in America could a dude making a million bucks a year under contract until 2013 look like a good guy by holding out for more money.  I’m not saying he’s wrong in doing so -  just stating facts here.  I get it.  He could break his leg (cough… cough… LEON… cough…) and suddenly not be worth the $15.6 million he says he’s worth.  I sound bitter. Sorry for that.  It’s just that loony-tunes Al Davis may have somehow discovered a way to screw up the Jet’s Super Bowl Dreams.  It wouldn’t surprise me if Bill Belichik hatched this crazy scheme in that lab of his underneath Fenway.   You know, the one where he injected Tom Brady with Super Soldier Serum a few years back.

Sadly, you can’t build a team around a corner back.  You just can’t.  Jerry Glanville tried to do that in the 90′s with Deion Sanders. I’m pretty sure that the only thing that team accomplished was getting their butts whupped in the Wild Card Round. Maybe Darelle should follow in Prime Time’s footsteps if he’s looking for some extra loot and try out for the Yankees.  But there I go digressing again.  I don’t blame the Jets for not wanting to dump “#1 Quarterback money” on the league’s #1 corner back.  We’ve got other players to pay: namely, Nick Mangold (DO IT Tanny!).

Revis is the man, no doubt about it.   He’s an unbelievably gifted athlete who not only possesses the physical skills to be an elite NFL player but also plays with smarts.  He dupes quarterbacks into throwing his direction much like a boxer drawing his opponent into throwing an ill advised right-cross.  Then — BANG! — he snags the ball and forces a turnover.  It’s the smarts that piss me off.  He knows that if the Jets pay him $16 million bucks they’re going to have less money to spread around.  Depth is important.  Talent is important.  Multiple weapons are important.  All these motherf#$%ers want big bucks.  It might be the Jets PR finally getting to me but I’m starting to see Revis as a selfish player.  He’s putting his wallet in front of his team’s ability to win games and that’s just  a bunch of baloney.

The bottom line couldn’t be clearer: you sign a contract to play a team sport for X amount of years, you honor it and show up for work no matter how much more you think you might be worth.  Haynesworth is practicing for God’s sake.  Revis – get your but to work.  Football’s a team sport, homey, and you’re letting down everybody on the defense by sitting out.

This might be my favorite picture ever.

So the Super Bowl has come and gone and despite the annual beerfest at my apartment, it managed to leave a few lasting albeit fuzzy impressions upon me.

First and foremost, the game rocked. After what I thought was the beginning of a blowout, Kurt Warner and his crew showed up to prove that the Cardinals weren’t just a Cinderella team that had played above it’s level. As hard as it is to believe, the Arizona Cardinals belonged in the Big Game.

The officiating was horrendous. I must admit it was fun at first, watching the Cardinals get screwed. Fun because I’ve been watching the Jets get hosed at the hands of the officials for years and it was nice to see someone else get “no respect” for once. Kind of a sour grapes type fun.

Maybe it was the beer, maybe it was the tequila, or maybe it was the bacon explosion; but after awhile my entire Super Bowl Party was convinced that the officials were throwing the game. I wasn’t taking notes but it started early on and carried all the way to the final play. For instance, Pittsburgh was called for Roughing the Kicker in the second half. Isn’t that penalty always a replay of the down with yards tacked on? How come when it happened Sunday the penalty was assessed after the change of possession? I’d like to add that earlier this very same officiating crew called the Cardinals for a very bogus Roughing the Holder on a Pittsburgh field goal attempt and that penalty (on 4^th and 22) resulted in an “automatic 1^st down.” You’d think that the NFL would want top-notch officiating in the mother of all Marquee games but that’s just not the case. The NFL is, in my opinion, the best League in all of Sports. No huge steroid scandals (at the moment anyway), no cheesy NBA veteran hook-ups, teams go from 1-15 to 12-4, the salary cap is enforced to ensure parady… I could go on and on as to why I love watching the NFL. It’s major beef is the refs. Why are they so bad? Why wasn’t Warner’s so-called fumble reviewed at the end of the game?

It seemed to me that the Steelers were getting the respect and the calls because of the franchise’s history. As much as I can appreciate how well the Steelers consistently play in a league designed to prevent dynasties, I thought it was all about two teams playing American Tackle Football against each other at a neutral location. There should be no favoritism.

Also, something happened Sunday that made me smile more than any touchdown or field goal, more than any big hit, and yes even more than The Boss rocking out South Jersey– er, I mean South Florida. Matt Cassell was pissed on. Yes, there was pee aimed at Matt Cassell and it landed on him. As reported by the Daily News, an incident in the line for the Men’s restroom resulted in a drunken fan urinating on the Patriots newest Golden Boy. My first thought when I heard this- “No way, what are the odds of that happening to Matt Cassell of all people?” My second thought- “Those odds get exponentially better with every Jets fan let into the stadium.”

If tailgating in the Meadowlands is a beer flavored affair every Sunday, can you imagine what a Jets fan might consume in the parking lot before the Super Bowl? My guess is that I would probably have to pee really badly too and considering how the season ended, Cassell’s top five on my list of things I’d like to urinate all over. Now imagine the surprise when that Jet fan, with a beer filled bladder at the Super Bowl, turns to the guy mouthing off to him in line only to discover it’s the freakin quarterback of the New England Patriots. What choice did he have really? Fate put the two of them together for a reason and it ain’t to play twister…. The dude had to do what he had to do.

Classy? No.

Funny? Very.