I'd Rather Get Beat Up In An Alley

Do you think the Pats are a little nervous about Monday night’s game?  I feel like they might actually have some butterflies up there in chowdah land and that makes me very happy.  As scary as Tom Brady is, I prefer the Patriots sans Randy Moss any day.  I just don’t see Dieon Branch making 40-yard one-finger grabs in the back of our end zone.

I personally  have one teeny tiny little ounce of fear going into Monday night’s game (ok I have a few but whatever).  Have you noticed the way our running backs this season love jumping over the pile on short yardage situations?  You know, 3rd and 1-  Ladainian Tomlinson takes the hand-off then leaps up and over the scrum to pick up the first down.  If you’ve been watching I’m sure you’ve picked up on the fact that Sean Greene recently added this maneuver to his repertoire.  At this point I’m certainly not complaining… they’ve converted a number of important 1sts this season.  It’s just that Jerod Mayo routinely stuffs that play.  Violently.  With helmets popping off and stuff.

I don’t want to see our old man LT (or Greene for that matter) leap up for a glorious 1 yard gain only to be smashed by the evil minions of Bill Belichik.  Perhaps Rex watched some film and picked up on Mayo’s soul crushing tendencies.  One can hope…

Is there anyone out there that could tell me why the Broncos aren’t losing a draft pick for filming other team’s during their walk through?  Didn’t we already establish that if you’re caught trying to steal other team’s game plans via film, it is punishable by draft pick denial and a 2 Kabillion dollar fine?  Monkey-see monkey-do I guess.  Or maybe… monkey-see his boss cheat and win Super Bowls monkey-think “Why not?”  I knew that I didn’t like McDaniels but I couldn’t put my finger on it.  Now I’ve figured it out.

He’s a douche Bag. 

A lying, underhanded, back stabbing, (and now) cheating douche.  I hope he cuts himself shaving if he ever becomes man enough to grow facial hair.

So I’ve been awol for a few weeks… apparently that’s what happens when you buy a bar.  I’ve had zero time to bitch about how much it hurts to be a Jets fan, about how we’re better off picking a fight with twelve giant Albanian thugs than rooting for the green and white, about how the Jets only consistency is their creativity when it comes to losing, and I’ve also had no time to pretend I know more about running an offense than Brian Schottenheimer.  Well, thanks to this weeks matchup letdown, I’ve made some time.

After the Dolphins loss I coolly pronounced the end of the Special Teams game-killing-instances (happenings?).  I might never have been wronger in my entire life.  About anything.  Not even when I said Star Wars Episode 1 was “going to ROCK!”  Jar Jar f*%$ing Floppy Ears is a welcome sight compared to Kellen Clemens coming anywhere near a snap ever again.  His botched snap set off a domino effect that lasted 4 quarters and somehow choked out our field goal unit.  And to think I was a Clemens believer… yikes.  Basically, I’m just admitting how wrong I was here.  With the Jets, you can lose any number of ways and I should know that.  Stupid optimism getting in the way of my football smarts is all.

Our defense played a great game but once again when all the balls are on the table we couldn’t get it done on one last game winning drive.  Matt Ryan threw many interceptions yet we came down with none.  What gives?  Revis looked unbelievable and for some reason Ryan threw at him all game.  This repeated foolery helped Gang Green stall the Falcons most of the game… then came the last drive and you know how this movie ends…

I think Rex Ryan needs to bring in a new sliding specialist.  Girardi must have taught Sanchez to slide with his face because our quarterback dove every opportunity he got.  If there’s one thing I expected to see it was at least one Sanchez slide.

These refs looked like they were borrowed from the NBA.  Go look at Sanchez’s Intentional Grounding call and then look at Ryan’s no-call in the third quarter.  Also take a look at Mangold getting kicked in the chin and then the flag being thrown at Thomas Jones.  Oh, I get it… we’ve got a rookie QB, they don’t get the calls until they earn it right?  Go bang yourself Mr. BS Referee.  Sour grapes?  only slightly

How can we score 7 points all game?  In a playoff race?  I just don’t get it… and it hurts like liquid acid.  Liquid fire.  You know burning in my veins that makes me want to go punch Kerry Rhodes for all his showboating.  Ah yes-  Kerry Rhodes is back in the starting lineup.  He made sure we saw him-  strutting, bowing, dancing anytime the ball came near him.  What about when he got juked out of his cleats on the Falcon’s final drive?  That missed tackle is indicative of what you get with Kerry Rhodes.  All flash, no muscle.  You’d think he would at least have the tact to act humbled by the last few weeks, but no-   Rhodes isn’t a team player and I just hope we get good value for him when he’s traded.  Go to Oakland, Kerry-  Al will love you there… you can dance all day and never win again.   Maybe Schotty will be joining you soon.

To conclude-  remember that from school?  Anywho, to conclude, this post was necessary you know?  Like a child possessed by the devil requires a priest, I too need to exorcise my demons.   Or at least rant about my crappy football fanhood…  Which now will most definitely have to place a few wagers on the playoffs to stay interested.  There’s always teams to root against I guess.  As they say in Houston… “F*!k the Cowboys.”

They do really say that in Houston.  A lot.

Just when I thought silver linings were a thing of the past, the Jets/Dolphins game came rumbling into my post-Halloween doldrums and refreshed my supply.  Usually after we blow a game I’m an extremely grumpy individual for about a week.  This time I can’t help but feel good about Sunday’s loss.

Did I really just say that?

Think about it. We’ve covered all the bases as far as ways-for-a-talented-team-to-lose go.  This is not in chronological order: Round 1 against Miami -  we lost because our defense couldn’t stop a stiff breeze;  Buffalo – Sanchez found out he can’t throw against the aforementioned breeze, rendering our offense useless; The Saints game -  the expected growing pains finally showed up , once again rendering our offense useless.  Now, in round 2 with the Fish, our offense looked unstoppable, our defense relentlessly pursued the ball, and it was obvious which team had more talent.  Well, obvious as long as you weren’t checking the scoreboard.  The Jets had one more trick up their sleeve… a complete special teams collapse.   Surely, if we give up back to back touchdowns to Ted Stonehand Ginn, Jr. then there’s no way we we can win right?  No one expected Westhoff’s Jedi kick return unit to suck harder than those tranny-hookers on the Westside Highway but they sure did.

Speaking of hookers… is this that Wonder Twin whore trying to jump on the future of football in America?  Unbelievable.

Last time I checked there were 3 phases to a football game.   Each phase has independently lost a game all on its own with no help from the other two.  Was that not redundant enough for you?  Each unit has picked a day to stink so badly that even though the other two are playing like a well-oiled machine, we lose.  Heart-wrenching losses at that.  Except for Sunday…. ahhh the silver lining.   We’ve finally done it.  We’ve run out of ways to lose.  It must be true because normally I’d be moping around all week cursing out Yankees fans.  Instead, I’m calmly enjoying the World Series at my bar.  It’s been great, actually.  If A-rod can somehow go from Mr. Anti-Clutch to oh-my-God-he’s-killing-these-guys, if he-who-swings-a-bat-while-wearing-lipstick can rewrite his long legacy of leaving people on base in a single month, then there’s gotta be hope for these New York Football Jets to win 6 of the next 8. This will make me very very happy.  And a teensy weensy bit of a Yankees fan.

The entire stadium seemed to be hung over Sunday- not just our special teams unit.  These folks on the left slept straight through the 2nd quarter, halftime, the 3rd quarter, a bunch of paper airplanes thrown at them, a nacho cheese bowl/hat, and about 200 taunts from all of us sitting around them.

This dude on the right?  He’s the Dolphins fan I threw chips on when Sanchez ran that bootleg in for a touchdown.Yup- the fish won.  You’re still a douche.

Enough about the stupid hot dog already.  The dude was nervous as hell before last weeks game.  Geeze, I was queasy for him and couldn’t eat myself.  Instead, I started guzzling Bloody Marys in a vain attempt to fool my body into thinking I’d eaten something (by the way, best bloody I’ve had in years).  Once the Jets went up 31 points in the 3rd quarter though, I’m sure Sanchez’ nervous stomach turned ravenous (mine did).  Road kill woulda’ looked good to him.  Think about it, he probably hadn’t eaten well all week following his performance against Buffalo.  That hot dog tasted better than any high dollar meal USC ever used to woo the young QB.  ESPN is still showing the video footage of Sanchez chowing down.  WTF?  Would they rather an iv?  What about the historic blowout Sanchez captained?  Listen ESPN, the only thing that makes a 38 point victory taste any better is a little mustard.  I only hope the kid reaches for some pulled pork after Miami rolls into town Sunday.

The Miami Dolphins… blech… the only thing they have in common with the New York Jets is the East Coast.  I’m still losing sleep over the way the Fish ran all over us in week 5.  Channing Crowder’s boasts came true.  Bart Scott’s? Rex Ryan’s? not so much.  Bright orange jerseys and all, the Dolphins handed us our collective asses in a big fish bowl filled with Marc Anthony’s old jewelry… mostly gaudy pinkie rings.

To say that I’m looking forward to Sunday is an understatement.  I’ll be there in my seats, about a mile or so above the action, sandwiched between two old school grumpy pessimistic Jets fans yelling my post-Halloween-hungover-ass off.    That’s the dynamic it seems these days.  There are the fans that hope we’re on the verge of a dynasty and there are the fans that know we’re going to lose, the ones I call the Abused Puppies.  I’m sure you’ve experienced it yourselves…  “Same old Jets.  I told ya.  I’m burning all my Jersey’s for good this time I mean  it.  We stink.  We’re cursed!”  Blah blah blah…It’s like they’re almost rooting for their own team to lose.  Did they forget we drafted a rookie quarterback?  Did they forget we beat the Pats a few weeks ago?  What about the still very attainable 11-5 record, or the 12-4?

We here at Jets Juju are firm believers in Mojo.  Maybe losing some pessimistic doomsayers wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

I dunno if you caught the new South Park but the folks over at the Jets Blog posted it today and I laughed my ass off.  For Mojo’s sake you should Check it out.

Will I ever get sick of watching Leon lay out Channing Crowder? 

Nope… LETS GO JETS!!!

Being raised Catholic,  I have often wondered what Hell must feel like.  Well thanks to Marc Anthony, I no longer need to dwell on such trivial thoughts.  There is absolutely nothing worse than having to listen to him melodramatically slaughter the national anthem and then watch his pastel colored gimmick of a football team rip the Jets for all the world to see.

I would much rather get mugged on my way home than sit through Bart Scott getting owned by Ricky Williams again.  Seriously, you can’t argue that a good solid punch in the face is any worse than what happened on Monday night.   Alley Beatings are in full effect here folks… alas, these are indeed the Jets and the last two weeks have not been fun for those of us who bleed green and white.  Anytime a team wearing lame day-glow orange jerseys with teal highlights out-muscles you, it is exactly what Rex Ryan said.  “Humbling.”

Losing to the Saints in New Orleans is one thing.  Sanchez is a rookie.  It’s ok if he acts like one occasionally if it’s early in the season…  objectively speaking of course.  It is NOT NOT NOT ok for this big mouthed, mean, tough, “swaggerlishous”  defense to get pushed around by Lenny Kravitz’ ex-boyfriend.

I don’t care how good Braylon Edwards looked last night-  the only image I remember is him dropping a TD and then getting bailed out by the refs. Which reminds me… the refs actually helped us out all night and we still couldn’t win.  WTF!!?  I’m reading that Jerricho Cotchery re-injured himself by playing and may miss next week’s game against Buffalo which means we’ll get another week to wonder what our offense will look like when it’s all together on the same field.  By the way, maybe it’s because I wear his Jersey but I still consider Cotchery the #1 and Edwards the “tall receiver.”  One performance- albeit a good one- isn’t enough for me to welcome you aboard the bandwagon especially when it’s in a losing effort.

All week long my thoughts went to Mark Sanchez and I worried how he would respond to his buffoonery the week before.  Would he rebound?  Maybe he’ll just revert to being the “game manager” that so many said he must become.   Truthfully, I hoped he would escape Miami with only one turnover and our defense would hold the fort.  Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine D Rex would implode and allow 21 points in the 4th quarter.  Darrelle Revis got burned so bad he’ll be penciling in his eyebrows for 3 to 6 weeks.  Even  our special teams, which has been 100% meh this season, displayed what shoulda/coulda/woulda been a winning effort if it weren’t for the weak-ass defense that wore green and white on Monday night. We bent, then we broke, and finally laid down the welcome mat.  Sorry fellas, I love ya, but it’s true.  Pwned by the fish.  Destroyed by the dolphins.  Erased by the… uhhh, bright orange SoFla dancers-with-the-stars that you talked smack about in the papers.  It hurts….. I don’t care if Sanchez looked great.  I don’t care if Edwards caught 2 touchdowns (maybe).  I don’t care if Westhoff’s Special Teams has finally arrived.  We should have been able to stop the Dolphins from running the ball when their only option was to run the ball.

We knew it wasn’t going to be an undefeated season.  Our Rookie is indeed a human so, at some point, he’s probably going to have a terrible game.  The Saints have a great offense, a great defense, an undefeated record, and a big-time home field advantage.  Why then, did Sunday’s game hurt my eternal soul so much?

Maybe it’s because our defense played it’s ass off.  Drew Brees wasn’t tossing TD passes at will to say the least.  Rexual Assault hammered the Halos forcing the explosive Saints to be patient and do something they rarely resort to.  Punting.

Maybe it’s because our running game still hasn’t shown up four weeks into the season and I’m starting to wonder if it ever will.  That’s an expensive offensive line and it’s getting paid to do two things- 1) Protect the quarterback, and 2) Run block.  On Sunday it didn’t do either.  Maybe our receivers should have caught some of those balls… particularly the one Stuckey whiffed that turned into an interception.  Wait a second, WHAT?  BRAYLON EDWARDS?  REEEEAAAALLLY?

Way to interrupt my weekly rant Mr. Tannenbaum.  Do you ever stop wheeling and dealing? Sheesh…

Oh, wait a second, I get it.  Edwards is being run out of town by Lebron James‘ posse.  The story came out yesterday that Edwards punched one of Lebron’s friends at a nightclub.  Lebron then called Edwards “childish” and “jealous.”  Does Lebron really have this much pull?  And, more importantly, will Braylon and Mark Sanchez light up the scoreboard Monday night against Flipper?  Most coaches probably wouldn’t start a receiver before he’s even unpacked but this Rex Ryan character takes the bulldozer approach.  My prediction?  Edwards 2 receptions- 73 yards, 1 touchdown.  His first is a 4 yard dink-  his second is a long distance hook up off of a blown coverage.

Or, ere this….  Rex wakes up early in the morning, grabs a cup of coffee and the NY TImes.  He sits down on his porch and peruses the Business section.  He reads the Science Times next and then moves on to Arts and Leisure.  Finally he glances at the skimpy Sports section (which might actually be the back of the Business section on Tuesday).  He stumbles across this headline… “Edwards Punches Lebron’s Friend.”  Rex spills coffee all over himself and his paper in a mad dash to the telephone.

“Mike, get back on the horn with your BFF and see if we can still get that stone-handed sonofabitch.  I know he can’t catch for shit but we can use some help protecting the quarterback.  Anybody with balls big enough to take on Lebron’s posse in Cleveland is welcome in my huddle!    I thought you said we can afford anybody… well figure it out!”

Rex Ryan pumped his fist in the air and cheered.  Or growled.  I’m not sure but it doesn’t matter.  His bravado, his swaggerlishousness, his draft day blitzes, his sense of humor and his diabolical defensive schemes all came together in an opening day butt whuppin’ of the favored Houston Texans.  Not only did the Jets score a win but they’ve generated some serious momentum heading into next week’s match up against the Patriots at home.

Our defense showed up as advertised.  They didn’t allow a single point and every time Schaub threw a pass he got smacked.   By the end of the game the Texans were running the Chuck and Duck offense.  Vernon Gholston had not one, not two, but THREE tackles… all by his gigantic self and one was for a loss.  I saw him miss a sack because he was more concerned with pushing his blocker up field but hey, improvement is as improvement does and it’s not a coincidence I’m talking about Gholston with a Forrest Gump-ism.  Run Vernon Run… nobody took me up on my $50 dollar bet so I’ll carry it over to next week.  Gholston to sack Brady?  Now that’s beautiful.

What’s got me excited is that the Texans have what ESPN calls an “explosive offense.”  They’ve got the league’s leading receiver and a super stud running back.   We were missing two of our leading pass rushers.  Houston never even sniffed the end zone.  They didn’t make it past the 35 yard line, actually.

Andre Johnson?  Not a factor.

Steve Slayton?  I forgot who that is – sorry.

Mario Williams?  Ran into a Brick wall.

Our rookie looked amazing.   Mark Sanchez didn’t get sacked once.  Read that last sentence out loud to yourself a few times.  He moved around like that elusive quarter in a pocket full of nickles when you just have to have a jawbreaker.  On draft day I wasn’t too happy with the move to get Sanchez but by the end of preseason I was on board.  Now I’ve purchased a brand new shiny bandwagon and I’m parking it outside my apartment.  If you want to jump on feel free.  Might want to bring some beer though because I’m going to enjoy this one fully all week long.

Jerricho Cotchery looks like he bulked up some more in the past week.  Is that even possible?  My friend was making steroid jokes but he’s a Patriots fan so I guess he’s just used to cheaters.  Cotchery is tenacious where other number 1 receivers are elusive and I think teams will be tempted to take him lightly.  Big mistake.  Gritty and tough – he’s a perfect fit for Rex Ryan.

Perhaps I’ll feel different after watching the Pats tonight but I dunno… it’s been a long time since I’ve felt comfortable enough to say “this one’s over” with any time left on the clock.  That came flying out of my mouth during the 3rd quarter on Sunday.  We dominated the Texans and there’s no denying that the Jets are expecting a win next week.  I’ve got tickets to Sunday’s game.  Three rows from the top… all the better to see the mayhem I’spose.

I’ve gone from being dumbfounded to angry to depressed to optimistic to hopeful to “holy crap, we didn’t really give up that much.” I do not, or I guess I should say, did not like the personality I saw Mark Sanchez put on display the weeks leading up until draft day. He struck me as an egotistical jock who’s spent the past few years playing sports in Southern California. When asked about workouts he did for teams he pretty much said “I wowed them with my arm, with my football brain, and with my stunning smile.”

“I threw it really well. I was spinning it all day. I knocked down all the throws. It was great… As soon as I sat down with their team and their playbook, they were like, ‘Wow, this kid has a natural feel for the game. He understands our offense very well.”

That was right after his workout with the Jets a few weeks ago. Ryan Leaf had more modesty. I don’t know why everyone in the media thinks the Jets did an incredible thing by trading up for Sanchez. They gave up three players and a 2nd rounder to move in on a young guy who’s played 16 games at USC. He’s an unproven commodity with an air of arrogance about him. I pray Rexenbaum know what they’re doing. Bargaining with Mangini is akin to dealing with the Devil… I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Did you see the way Sanchez was fixing his sideburns on National TV two seconds after donning a green and white hat? My doomsday draft had unfolded right before my eyes. I can’t stand football players who preen. They are two things that just don’t mix. Preening football players in Jet’s hats make me want to puke.

Abram Elam will be missed even if it’s only by me. Kenyon Coleman? I liked him but he’s replaceable. Remember the quarterback battle between Clemens and Ratliff? All those people in the blogosphere arguing that Ratliff was a superstar waiting in the wings with an incredible cannon that would stretch the field all the way to the Superbowl? Well now we know how much Ratliff must have impressed Rex Ryan during those workouts.

It’s true. We really didn’t give much up in terms of personnel.

We have the offensive line to propel even a mid-level quarterback deep into the win column so if Sanchez is half as ready for the pros as he thinks he is we should be able to score points. We’re a run first team right? Ground and Pound baby! Speaking of Thomas Jones… I loved the way we moved in on Shonn Greene. One way or another we’ll have a bruiser to share carries with lil’ Leon Washington next year. Anybody else smell a Thomas Jones trade brewing in Rex’s laboratory?

We’ve addressed the quarterback situation (hopefully). We’ve still got to find a blocking Tight End and a dangerous receiver. I would prefer said receiver to only be dangerous on the field but the Jets front office doesn’t seem to mind where their prospective players set it off- they’re talking to Plaxico “I shot myself in the leg” Burress. We can’t pick this guy up until 1) we find out if he can still run and 2) we get him a pistol with a safety. He might also need an IQ test and a background check.

D-Rex sure likes to hit the throttle doesn’t he?

Somehow I lucked into a split season ticket situation for next year. 4 games, I get to pick which ones. Basically, a father and son like the Jets but don’t want to go to every game. The only catch is that the Carolina and Jacksonville games are spoken for. Is that a catch? With the AFC East being once again incredibly competitive and Rex Ryan’s promise of a new style of football, I’ve spent some serious time debating which games I should go to.

First choice- and this one’s a no brainer- the Patriots are coming to town in week two for the Jets home opener. Rex Ryan vs Bill Bellicheat, round one- FIGHT! This game will bond coaches, payers, and fans for we will stand together against the tyranny of that state just North of Rhode Island. Tom Brady’s twice surgically repaired knee will be tested as will our revamped secondary I’m sure. Maybe they’ll actually serve beer at this game.

One player I truly can’t stand is Terrell Owens. The guy is either certifiably crazy or just a big dumb jerk. He’s as divisive a presence in the locker room as anybody and a crybaby to boot. I hope to God that he obliterates any semblance of chemistry the Bills had and I’d bet $$$ that he won’t be able to deal with playing alongside Lee Evans. October 18th the TO circus roles into town when the Jets host the Bills and this is another AFC East smackdown. I’m sure Rex feels the same way I do about Owens. Bart Scott is calling his new team “Swaggerlicious” but I’m not buying it until I see TO lit up like the Statue of Liberty on the 4th of July.

My next game will be another eventful one. It will be the first time that I’ve ever been able to root against Duck Pennington. Chad and his gaggle of Wildcat buddies are coming to town on November 1st and I’m confident that this will be a fun one. Did you see what Rex’s defense did to Chad in the playoffs? Yeah so did I. It was pretty much a beat down. Reminded me of my days as an Indian Leg Wrestler but I digress… The Dolphins had a cakewalk for a schedule last season. Next season? Not so much. Their first five games are against the Falcons, Chargers, Saints, Bills and Colts. I could easily see the Dolphins limping in to Giant stadium with a 1-4 record. Staggerlicious. “Welcome home Chad!” CHOMP!!! Did I mention that this is a Monday Night game? Oh… Hell… Yes…

So I’m barely two months into the season with only one game left to pick. This one is another nobrainer for both personal and historic reasons. It is also the only non-divisional game I’ll be at next season.

Personal- Laveraneus Coles is coming back to town with the Cincinnati Bungles. I still don’t understand why he turned down the guaranteed money he was owed but I don’t care. That salary cap space cleared room for our recent free agent madness and now I get to watch him drop balls for another team while wearing a tiger costume. This is the last game of the season so it’ll be cold as hell. The Bengals play in a dome. Juicy.

Historic- The Jets/Bengals game on January 3rd will be the last regular season football game to be played at Giant stadium. Finally Jimmy Hoffa will be able to rest in peace without all those enormous men jumping around on top of him. If the Giants or Jets secure a home field game in the playoffs then, sure, there’s more football to be played. It’s the NFL. Parody is rampant and there are no guarantees. So for now, this is the last coin flip, the last kickoff, and the last chance to watch LC get another concussion at Giant stadium. OK… so that’s maybe a little too mean. Coles has been a real turd burgler recently though so I don’t feel too bad.

Just a quick question here: anybody else sick of hearing Mark Sanchez talk about how great he is?