I'd Rather Get Beat Up In An Alley

Being raised Catholic,  I have often wondered what Hell must feel like.  Well thanks to Marc Anthony, I no longer need to dwell on such trivial thoughts.  There is absolutely nothing worse than having to listen to him melodramatically slaughter the national anthem and then watch his pastel colored gimmick of a football team rip the Jets for all the world to see.

I would much rather get mugged on my way home than sit through Bart Scott getting owned by Ricky Williams again.  Seriously, you can’t argue that a good solid punch in the face is any worse than what happened on Monday night.   Alley Beatings are in full effect here folks… alas, these are indeed the Jets and the last two weeks have not been fun for those of us who bleed green and white.  Anytime a team wearing lame day-glow orange jerseys with teal highlights out-muscles you, it is exactly what Rex Ryan said.  “Humbling.”

Losing to the Saints in New Orleans is one thing.  Sanchez is a rookie.  It’s ok if he acts like one occasionally if it’s early in the season…  objectively speaking of course.  It is NOT NOT NOT ok for this big mouthed, mean, tough, “swaggerlishous”  defense to get pushed around by Lenny Kravitz’ ex-boyfriend.

I don’t care how good Braylon Edwards looked last night-  the only image I remember is him dropping a TD and then getting bailed out by the refs. Which reminds me… the refs actually helped us out all night and we still couldn’t win.  WTF!!?  I’m reading that Jerricho Cotchery re-injured himself by playing and may miss next week’s game against Buffalo which means we’ll get another week to wonder what our offense will look like when it’s all together on the same field.  By the way, maybe it’s because I wear his Jersey but I still consider Cotchery the #1 and Edwards the “tall receiver.”  One performance- albeit a good one- isn’t enough for me to welcome you aboard the bandwagon especially when it’s in a losing effort.

All week long my thoughts went to Mark Sanchez and I worried how he would respond to his buffoonery the week before.  Would he rebound?  Maybe he’ll just revert to being the “game manager” that so many said he must become.   Truthfully, I hoped he would escape Miami with only one turnover and our defense would hold the fort.  Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine D Rex would implode and allow 21 points in the 4th quarter.  Darrelle Revis got burned so bad he’ll be penciling in his eyebrows for 3 to 6 weeks.  Even  our special teams, which has been 100% meh this season, displayed what shoulda/coulda/woulda been a winning effort if it weren’t for the weak-ass defense that wore green and white on Monday night. We bent, then we broke, and finally laid down the welcome mat.  Sorry fellas, I love ya, but it’s true.  Pwned by the fish.  Destroyed by the dolphins.  Erased by the… uhhh, bright orange SoFla dancers-with-the-stars that you talked smack about in the papers.  It hurts….. I don’t care if Sanchez looked great.  I don’t care if Edwards caught 2 touchdowns (maybe).  I don’t care if Westhoff’s Special Teams has finally arrived.  We should have been able to stop the Dolphins from running the ball when their only option was to run the ball.

We knew it wasn’t going to be an undefeated season.  Our Rookie is indeed a human so, at some point, he’s probably going to have a terrible game.  The Saints have a great offense, a great defense, an undefeated record, and a big-time home field advantage.  Why then, did Sunday’s game hurt my eternal soul so much?

Maybe it’s because our defense played it’s ass off.  Drew Brees wasn’t tossing TD passes at will to say the least.  Rexual Assault hammered the Halos forcing the explosive Saints to be patient and do something they rarely resort to.  Punting.

Maybe it’s because our running game still hasn’t shown up four weeks into the season and I’m starting to wonder if it ever will.  That’s an expensive offensive line and it’s getting paid to do two things- 1) Protect the quarterback, and 2) Run block.  On Sunday it didn’t do either.  Maybe our receivers should have caught some of those balls… particularly the one Stuckey whiffed that turned into an interception.  Wait a second, WHAT?  BRAYLON EDWARDS?  REEEEAAAALLLY?

Way to interrupt my weekly rant Mr. Tannenbaum.  Do you ever stop wheeling and dealing? Sheesh…

Oh, wait a second, I get it.  Edwards is being run out of town by Lebron James‘ posse.  The story came out yesterday that Edwards punched one of Lebron’s friends at a nightclub.  Lebron then called Edwards “childish” and “jealous.”  Does Lebron really have this much pull?  And, more importantly, will Braylon and Mark Sanchez light up the scoreboard Monday night against Flipper?  Most coaches probably wouldn’t start a receiver before he’s even unpacked but this Rex Ryan character takes the bulldozer approach.  My prediction?  Edwards 2 receptions- 73 yards, 1 touchdown.  His first is a 4 yard dink-  his second is a long distance hook up off of a blown coverage.

Or, ere this….  Rex wakes up early in the morning, grabs a cup of coffee and the NY TImes.  He sits down on his porch and peruses the Business section.  He reads the Science Times next and then moves on to Arts and Leisure.  Finally he glances at the skimpy Sports section (which might actually be the back of the Business section on Tuesday).  He stumbles across this headline… “Edwards Punches Lebron’s Friend.”  Rex spills coffee all over himself and his paper in a mad dash to the telephone.

“Mike, get back on the horn with your BFF and see if we can still get that stone-handed sonofabitch.  I know he can’t catch for shit but we can use some help protecting the quarterback.  Anybody with balls big enough to take on Lebron’s posse in Cleveland is welcome in my huddle!    I thought you said we can afford anybody… well figure it out!”