I'd Rather Get Beat Up In An Alley

Do you think the Pats are a little nervous about Monday night’s game?  I feel like they might actually have some butterflies up there in chowdah land and that makes me very happy.  As scary as Tom Brady is, I prefer the Patriots sans Randy Moss any day.  I just don’t see Dieon Branch making 40-yard one-finger grabs in the back of our end zone.

I personally  have one teeny tiny little ounce of fear going into Monday night’s game (ok I have a few but whatever).  Have you noticed the way our running backs this season love jumping over the pile on short yardage situations?  You know, 3rd and 1-  Ladainian Tomlinson takes the hand-off then leaps up and over the scrum to pick up the first down.  If you’ve been watching I’m sure you’ve picked up on the fact that Sean Greene recently added this maneuver to his repertoire.  At this point I’m certainly not complaining… they’ve converted a number of important 1sts this season.  It’s just that Jerod Mayo routinely stuffs that play.  Violently.  With helmets popping off and stuff.

I don’t want to see our old man LT (or Greene for that matter) leap up for a glorious 1 yard gain only to be smashed by the evil minions of Bill Belichik.  Perhaps Rex watched some film and picked up on Mayo’s soul crushing tendencies.  One can hope…

Is there anyone out there that could tell me why the Broncos aren’t losing a draft pick for filming other team’s during their walk through?  Didn’t we already establish that if you’re caught trying to steal other team’s game plans via film, it is punishable by draft pick denial and a 2 Kabillion dollar fine?  Monkey-see monkey-do I guess.  Or maybe… monkey-see his boss cheat and win Super Bowls monkey-think “Why not?”  I knew that I didn’t like McDaniels but I couldn’t put my finger on it.  Now I’ve figured it out.

He’s a douche Bag. 

A lying, underhanded, back stabbing, (and now) cheating douche.  I hope he cuts himself shaving if he ever becomes man enough to grow facial hair.

Somehow I lucked into a split season ticket situation for next year. 4 games, I get to pick which ones. Basically, a father and son like the Jets but don’t want to go to every game. The only catch is that the Carolina and Jacksonville games are spoken for. Is that a catch? With the AFC East being once again incredibly competitive and Rex Ryan’s promise of a new style of football, I’ve spent some serious time debating which games I should go to.

First choice- and this one’s a no brainer- the Patriots are coming to town in week two for the Jets home opener. Rex Ryan vs Bill Bellicheat, round one- FIGHT! This game will bond coaches, payers, and fans for we will stand together against the tyranny of that state just North of Rhode Island. Tom Brady’s twice surgically repaired knee will be tested as will our revamped secondary I’m sure. Maybe they’ll actually serve beer at this game.

One player I truly can’t stand is Terrell Owens. The guy is either certifiably crazy or just a big dumb jerk. He’s as divisive a presence in the locker room as anybody and a crybaby to boot. I hope to God that he obliterates any semblance of chemistry the Bills had and I’d bet $$$ that he won’t be able to deal with playing alongside Lee Evans. October 18th the TO circus roles into town when the Jets host the Bills and this is another AFC East smackdown. I’m sure Rex feels the same way I do about Owens. Bart Scott is calling his new team “Swaggerlicious” but I’m not buying it until I see TO lit up like the Statue of Liberty on the 4th of July.

My next game will be another eventful one. It will be the first time that I’ve ever been able to root against Duck Pennington. Chad and his gaggle of Wildcat buddies are coming to town on November 1st and I’m confident that this will be a fun one. Did you see what Rex’s defense did to Chad in the playoffs? Yeah so did I. It was pretty much a beat down. Reminded me of my days as an Indian Leg Wrestler but I digress… The Dolphins had a cakewalk for a schedule last season. Next season? Not so much. Their first five games are against the Falcons, Chargers, Saints, Bills and Colts. I could easily see the Dolphins limping in to Giant stadium with a 1-4 record. Staggerlicious. “Welcome home Chad!” CHOMP!!! Did I mention that this is a Monday Night game? Oh… Hell… Yes…

So I’m barely two months into the season with only one game left to pick. This one is another nobrainer for both personal and historic reasons. It is also the only non-divisional game I’ll be at next season.

Personal- Laveraneus Coles is coming back to town with the Cincinnati Bungles. I still don’t understand why he turned down the guaranteed money he was owed but I don’t care. That salary cap space cleared room for our recent free agent madness and now I get to watch him drop balls for another team while wearing a tiger costume. This is the last game of the season so it’ll be cold as hell. The Bengals play in a dome. Juicy.

Historic- The Jets/Bengals game on January 3rd will be the last regular season football game to be played at Giant stadium. Finally Jimmy Hoffa will be able to rest in peace without all those enormous men jumping around on top of him. If the Giants or Jets secure a home field game in the playoffs then, sure, there’s more football to be played. It’s the NFL. Parody is rampant and there are no guarantees. So for now, this is the last coin flip, the last kickoff, and the last chance to watch LC get another concussion at Giant stadium. OK… so that’s maybe a little too mean. Coles has been a real turd burgler recently though so I don’t feel too bad.

Just a quick question here: anybody else sick of hearing Mark Sanchez talk about how great he is?

When the clock struck midnight last Thursday, many Jets fans turned to the internet for immediate news of the moves their team was making. Despite NFL propaganda, the Jets had created tons of room under the salary cap to play with. They had even more money to throw around then they expected thanks Laveranues Coles‘ sudden generosity- he pretty much gave back the 8 million bucks he was guaranteed so he could go play ball with Chad in Miami. Problem with his strategy is a big ol’ fat man named Bill Parcells who eats little wide receivers for lunch. Thanks Coles. Only time will tell if you’ve dropped the ball… again.

Well, the Jets apparently waited ten whole minutes before descending upon Bart Scott‘s house, dragging him all the way to Jersey, and signing his “violent” butt to a six year contract. Then the Jets went back to Baltimore (or made a phone call anyway) and have now signed Jim Leonard as well. Sweet.

The Jets even came up looking rosey after releasing long time lineman Brandon Moore. Around the inter-web, Jets fans weren’t too happy with the release of Moore. He was a rock-solid presence on the line. Dependable. And now he’s cheaper than he was. Brandon resigned with the Jets for $16 million for the next four years. The big $7 million hit we were going to take this year is no Moore.

TJ Houshmanhowyouspellhisname ended up in Seattle which means he won’t be coming here (boo), but it also means that the Seahawks probably won’t use their #4 draft pick on another wide receiver (yay!). Drafting a wide receiver is an option for the Jets especially since they grabbed the two-time probowling Lito Shepard to help out at cornerback. We really need a speedy #1 Wide Receiver that commands a double team. Thoughts?

Remember how last year we showed Pennington some “respect” by unconditionally releasing him so that he could be free to find his own deal? Remember how he stayed in our division and kinda sorta made us look stupid? Well Bill Belicik remembered and there was no way in hell he was letting Matt Cassel even sniff the Atlantic Ocean again. The franchise tag was placed on him not to keep him a Patriot but to control where he landed. Vrabel to Kansas City made me smile. Both Vrabel and Cassel? KC looks to have gotten a stellar deal. The Patriots will be drafting a platoon of new young players in this draft. Also, something tells me that Tom Brady’s rehab is going exceptionally well.

The frenzied opening days of Free Agency are over but rest assured Rex and Tannenbaum still have plenty of cards to play. I expect them to sign a tight end that can block to replace Chris Baker. Jay Cutler‘s name is being kicked around probably by every team in the league. You know, the way he was blindsided in trade talks last week, I almost feel sorry for him. Then again, if he didn’t act like a constant jerk-off every chance he gets maybe the Broncos wouldn’t be trying to get rid of him. I would love to have his arm in a Jets uniform… just not his attitude.

Laveranues Coles has been the Grumpy Smurf on offense for awhile now. He wasn’t happy with Mangini’s training camps, he hates having to catch balls that are thrown too hard, and he missed his good buddy Chad Pennington. I think his sensitive hands miss Chad’s lobbed passes more than anything but hey that’s just me. After meeting with Rex Ryan this week, they’ve agreed to part ways amicably. Coles has been released and the Jets no longer owe him the 7 million bucks he was guaranteed (if I understand it correctly we’re now going to take a 1 million dollar hit). Halleluja.

This off season is off the hook. The list of recent non-Jets reads as such: Brett Favre, Mike Nugent, Chris Baker, Brandon Moore, David Barrett, Eric Barton (probably anyway), David Bowens, and now Grumpy Smurf. We’re clearing cap space faster than Bill Belichik can grab our unwanted players. You gotta know Chris Baker’s been targeted by the Pats right? I’ll bet anyone 50 bucks right now that Coles ends up with Chad in Miami. This is unbelievably…. something. I don’t know what but I just hope Tannenbaum has a Plan A, a Plan B, and a Plan C.

The team that just 3 weeks ago was reported to be in “Cap Hell” is now at least 22 million under and I bet that number will continue to grow until the start of Free Agency this Friday. That’s a ton of money to play with. Who are we targeting? Who does Rex have his eye on?

I’ll go out on a limb here and guess that a large chunk of Baltimore’s defense will be making the move to Jersey this spring. The Ravens pretty much made Terrell Suggs unatainable but beyond that, I don’t think there’s anything stopping Bart Scott, Ray Lewis, or Jim Leonard from coming here. So Ray Lewis is old and he wants to play in Dallas… perfect. Pick up Scott and Leonard.

As of right now we officially need a Wide Receiver. I’m hoping for TJ Houshmandzadeh as well as a player in the draft. Isn’t Ocho Cinco dying to get out of Cincinatti too? Coles really wasn’t the receiver he has been in the past. Between the dropped game breaking balls and the concussions he was starting to have, his whining really started to irk me. We’ve still got Jerricho Cotchery and he’s tough as nails. Even if it’s Clowney who lines up at least we’re putting some speed on the field.

Friday will hopefully reveal some of the Jets plans for free agency. Good players go quickly so I’m hoping (praying) that Woody has the checkbook raring to go. This is no time to sit on our butts and watch. By all indications the Jets have some $$$ burning a hole in their pocket and are ready to pounce. This is the Jets we’re talking about though, so you know it wouldn’t surprise me if we ended up getting Terrell Owens. Let me be clear, this is in no way an endorsement of TO. He’s a punk and I’m glad Jet’s fans aren’t even mentioning his name on team websites. Except I just kinda sorta did…

The Patriots at 11-5 were barred from the playoffs in dramatic style and as I prepare to watch several species of birds try to take out the Pittsburgh Steelers I would like to revisit week 16 for one brief moment. As much as it sucked to lose to the Dolphins, I’m now taking pleasure in the way we brought New England down with us.

It reminded me of an action movie from the 80′s. You know, where the good guy wraps his arms and legs koala-style around the big bad monster. Face to face, human and demon (or Alien or monster or whatever), sweaty, huffing and puffing…that’s when our hero reveals the pin he’s already pulled from the grenade in his jacket. Finally, horror on the bad dudes face!

And from our hero (let’s call him Jericho)? Only these words uttered in a sand paper whisper, “I’ll see you in hell”

BOOM! The explosion sends debris everywhere- dirt clods, paper, filing cabinets (?), Alien guts… Our hero has sacrificed himself to take down evil incarnate so that humanity might continue…

I don’t think we, as Jets fans, can comprehend what it would feel like to go 11-5 and still not make the playoffs. Could you imagine? And then to have to root for the Jets who just stunk it up to high hell in the second half… somewhere Lady Karma is still rolling on the floor laughing at the Patriots. Need more proof than their record? OK. Here’s a clip from Jeopardy I saw on theJetsBlog. Click on it Jets fans. You’ll like it.

He said hissy-fit, yo

Eric Mangini was introduced to the folks in Cleveland yesterday.

Well la-dee-F%$#kin-da.

The abused puppy syndrome has been rampant throughout Jets nation and I expected Mangini to deliver a body blow right away. Surely the first thing Mangini would do as head coach is have a sit down with Romeo Crennel. They’d reminisce about the good ol’ days in Boston when they used to win games and cheat in Super Bowls. Crennel already stated publicly that he’s up for remaining in Cleveland as the Defensive Coordinator so why wouldn’t he want to stay on with an old colleague? Mangini’s got to know that the Jets have an eye on Crennel to replace our lame duck defensive coordinator Bob Sutton because he’s a perfect fit to come in and patch up our 3-4 defense. It’s a personnel specific defense and if we went back to the 4-3 we’d have to some serious overhauling. Crennel’s one of the few 3-4 coaches out there and not only that, he knows how to run it to perfection. You just can’t argue with winning 3 Super Bowls in four years.

The word on the street (and in the rags) is that Mangini is looking to hire Rob Ryan, his old buddy and colleague. I can see why Mangini would go that route. After all, he has been trying to lure Ryan away from the Raiders for years. I’m not saying this is a mistake on Mangini’s part, it’s more of a break for the Jets. Crennel won’t go from Head Coach to Linebacker Coach. If Mangini and Ryan reconnect in Cleveland, Crennel is back on the market for a job and why not jump back into the incestuous AFC East where he’ll intimately know everybody on any side of the ball? I guess Belicheat might try to talk him out of it.

Whoever ends up coaching the Jets next year will inherit a 3-4 defense that still needs some work. Will they stick with the scheme or revamp? Crennel’s a great fit for a coach (let’s say Rex Ryan) who already runs the 3-4. Diabolical combination, that one could be. I guess we’ll have to wait a few weeks for this one to play out but for me, Mangini’s off to a great start in Cleveland.

Dear Santa,

I know it’s last minute but this year I’ve got a really important item I need to add to my wish list. Actually, I need you to put it at the top. I’ve analyzed the playoff standings, read all the local sports pages, and I’ve come to the conlusion that you and your reindeer are the Jets’ only hope of making the playoffs. So if you can find it somewhere in your jovial heart to give us one very unlikely Christmas Miracle we promise to put out wings and beer next year instead of cookies and milk. Even those of us who don’t celebrate Christmas will do it. Kwanzanites, Jews, Muslims, Agnostics, Branch Davidians, Scientologists- there are Jets fans of all faiths, shapes, and sizes and we’ve really had a rough couple of months.

I know the team itself might not look like they deserve it, but Belichick cheats so neither do the Patriots. Ever been to Boston? Grumpy, wicked Retaaahhds everywhere… Stay away Santa, trust me.

I can’t imagine a worse predicament for Jets fans. We can beat Miami and in doing so we put New England in the playoffs. If we lose to Miami, Chad Pennington takes his noodle arm to the dance and has a very long, loud, hurtful, last laugh.

See Santa? Without you we’re stuck between committing Hari Kari and pulling a Bendict Arnold. A gift is in order. Remember when I was 8 and wanted that GI Joe aircraft carrier so bad? You never brought me one but you did bring my little sister a flying squirrel that Christmas. If you bring me a Buffalo victory come Sunday, I’ll finally let that one go. Promise- seriously I’ll never bring it up again. Is a Bills victory that much harder to find than a flying squirrel? You probably had to go Brazil to find that little winged rat. Buffalo isn’t nearly so remote. Ok, maybe it is but you won’t have to feed the team in your sleigh.

Sincerely,

All of us who are beaten down by Mangini’s “what are you thinking”-ness

ps. I realize that in writing this letter to you I’m deflecting all of the inconsistencies and poor execution problems that the Jets have. Pointing out how terrible Mangini and his staff have been just doesn’t sit right with me during this time of the year. I can’t help but be hopeful. Ill blame that on the egg nog. Happy Holidays to all.

pps… if you still haven’t seen it yet, here’s the Chronic inappropriating after the Seahawks debacle. This might be the only ball thrown by any Jet to hit its target all day.